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03/06/2003 Archived Entry: "A truly Canadian Apology to the USA..."

Courtesy of Rick Mercer Colin Mochrie from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" CBC Television

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

Finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. Thank you.

Replies: 10 comments

I'm LMAO, thank you :) Posted by Boojum @ 03/06/2003 04:14 PM PST

What's the softwood lumber thing? I'm an ignorant American and have no idea what it's referring to. Posted by Lis @ 03/06/2003 10:04 PM PST

Info on the softwood lumber dispute is at http://www.cbc.ca/news/indepth/background/softwood_lumber.html Basically it boils down to the fact that we have a different system for calculating what we charge forestry companies for the use of trees (most trees are owned by the government here, as opposed to being owned by private people/companies in the US). The US has implemented a duty on softwood lumber that violates its own free trade rules and has been struck down in international court previously. Western Canadian lumber companies have had to lay off up to 30% of their workforce because of (my opinion) US forestry protectionism. Posted by Greg @ 03/07/2003 11:27 AM PST

The whole point of the UN is to ensure no country, especially a powerful one, does not make unillateral decisions of war. Yet if we as allies will not support going to war without the UN approval, the US takes this as a personal disloyalty rather than admitting that they are the ones not working within the UN. By standing up against the decisions of the US, it is received as a personal disloyalty and inconvenience and the repercussions will surely follow in terms of sanctions, tariffs, cutting aid, etc. We see it with the softwood lumber. THey know it takes 2 years to resolve this dispute through the WTO but the companies can't afford these huge tariffs and thousands have been laid of and mills shut down. What happened to free trade? Posted by Beth @ 03/07/2003 03:42 PM PST

Good side and bad side on this. Recently I heard that BC lumber mills were actually starting to make a tidy profit because they'd increased production dramatically to compensate in per-unit cost for the tariffs. This of course brought down the price of softwood lumber, and hurt american producers, who are now screaming at their own politicians to end the softwood lumber dispute :) The bad side of this is that this dispute came into being before any of the Iraq war stuff started. That means basically that Canada, who is filled with people who opened their homes up to stranded travellers after 9-11, was given a royal smackdown by US legislators completely out of the blue. Posted by Greg @ 03/07/2003 04:30 PM PST

REVERAND BUSH - PHRASE OF THE DAY I'm sorry that Bush needs to show the world that he can flex his muscles so all will listen to the new kid on the block. He selects phrases that have impact, uses them repeticiously and ensures he is in the public eye often. I'm sorry his introduction as President was to tell Russia that he would get tough with them. Now that's a wise move - lets get peoples backs up immediately before we've even been introduced. Then came "the AXIS OF EVIL" - Fabulous! - One more smart comment. Now we have a few more countries angry with Bush and America. Hm, wonder if some of these countries may contemplate beginning a weapons of destruction program to ensure their safety from an obvious green, loose cannon at the White House. Then came the phrase "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE" Embarrassing, duh! Now he really painted a western movie of himself to the world. I'm sorry that his phrases with a few pep talks are the meat of his speaches in order to gain support. He knows that if he can shmooze them, he can follow through with any course of action he has already chosen. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" - what a descriptive mouthful promoting fear. "TERRORIST" a word that now has lost its meaning as it's being used wherever conventient. 'SUSPECTED TIES TO AL QUEDA" - that's easy - no proof, they'll be shipped to the military - they can do what they want to extort information and we'll never know if they were executed. "PROTECTING YOU" what a political bomb to smooth out all the fear you've just instilled and put everything in a neat package. First the tough stance, then the fear and then the feel good protection and you've got a great number of your audience in the bag especially when you deceivingly add a spiritual aspect to it. I'm sorry Bush keeps wanting to give tax cuts to the "rich, large corporations (oil) - the big-pay back-elections-financing club" and he has people believing it's for the economy. Well yes, it's good for their economic pockets. I am most sorry that Bush's policies and communication to the world has infused a new and frightful level of hatred to America and other parts of the world. His arrogance, self righteousness, intolerance to ideas beyond his and lack of diplomacy are frightful and extremely dangerous in the world we live in. This has just added to the hate of previous experiences with America. It's up to us to make our voices known. Posted by Glen @ 03/07/2003 06:18 PM PST

Just a head's up that Rick Mercer did not write that apology. On a hunch (seeing as he left This Hour a couple years ago), I called his agent and they don't know where it came from. It is still funny (and true) but it didn't come from Mercer. Posted by Iain K. MacLeod @ 03/08/2003 07:36 PM PST

Hey Iain, Looks like you're right...it was Colin Mochrie as Reporter Anthony St. George. Thanks for pointing that out. Greg Posted by Greg @ 03/08/2003 08:01 PM PST

Hi, There is an online video clip of that Apology to USA sketch at the 22minutes.com site. If anyone is still interested, the URL is http://www.22minutes.com/realwrapper.php?target=apology_256.rm Posted by Zangs @ 03/15/2003 09:21 AM PST