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04/11/2003 Archived Entry: "Some advice"

These are a continuing list of things that as you age, you will realize. No one ever gives these bits of advice, but I like you, so you can trust me on these:

If you do drugs (and I'm not going to say whether you should or not), buy them from someone you trust, not someone on the street...even pot can be tainted • When changing the diaper on a boy make sure you cover the bits that spray • If something is so important to you that you can't live without it, throw it away • If someone is so important to you that you can't live without them...find out if they feel the same way...if so, never let them go • Someone else did it first • Nothing technical is as hard as it seems • Nothing simple-looking is as easy as it looks • If it has sharp teeth, even if it's cute, leave it alone • The rat owns the hole, the bull owns the field, the bear owns the forest - you can pretend otherwise, but it wouldn't take much to teach you the error of your ways • The chance of getting a full house is nearly the same as getting a 7-high...it all depends on what you're shooting for • Just remember that the Mon-Fri 9-5 workweek is less than two hundred years old; things that are old are not necessarily worse • Immaturity is temporary but stupidity is perpetual • When you get older you wish you worked hard when you were younger so you could take it easier now • Anonymity is a good thing but don't assume that it means you can do bad things and never get caught • As much as you feel like it, never ask someone to marry you while you are in bed • You are likely to experience a fire in your home at one point or another; if something is important to you it shouldn't be in the back of the storage room • Sometimes it's worth buying pre-made salads so that you eat salad • If a friend asks for help moving, give it unconditionally • You are conditioned to think that a man getting hit in the testicles is funny - don't assume that humour is based on what other people think is funny • Remember a clean joke and tell it to family • Remember a dirty joke and tell it friends • Remember a dumb joke and tell it to kids • Remember to laugh when people tell you a joke • Get out of the way when the door opens • Talk to the people who make or deliver your food, even if it's not someone who lives with you • A pawn can take a stupid king • Things that happened 1000 years ago still affect you today; Don't expect the things that happened yesterday to be forgotten • Every so often get your keychain out and reorganize - the direction they face, the order of them, how they are separated - it can make a difference in your morning and evening annoyance level.